mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
