wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
