I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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