Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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