SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Randomize
