Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
