I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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