I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize