best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
