awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
