we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
