If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
