Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
