she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
