if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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