News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
