Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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