piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
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