I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
