Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize