That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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