You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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