Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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