a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
