That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
