I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Will exercising make me less horny?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
