My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
