just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
