At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
