Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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