if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Randomize
