thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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