My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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