foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
