thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
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