pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
