well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
