I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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