If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
