my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Randomize