Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
