We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
