i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
