You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
This is classic penis vs brain.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
