Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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