hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
