Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Floor bacon is actually really good
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize