it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
