I murdered the dance floor call the cops
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
