so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize
