Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
