and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
