Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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