i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
