Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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