I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
