Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
