you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
