he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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