Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
